Rollercoaster of Life

I've been terrible and have skipped a couple of days in my 30 Day Blogbuster Challenge. I'll admit that it's partially because my parents have been the only people reading my posts, and I didn't even know they read them. It's hard to keep going when there's not a lot of motivation.

But mostly, it's because I've "run out of things to say." This is in quotes because, obviously, it's not true. I could talk for hours about what goes on inside of my constantly-ansty mind, but it wouldn't really make for interesting (or intelligible) content.

I've figured out that when I get this way, it tends to be the result of a depressive phase in my life. I use the term 'depressive' to describe a downswing in my mood, not an actual depression, although that's really what it is - a mild bout of depression. Sometimes it lasts a long time, other times, it's just a day or two or three... But it causes me to be lazy in every aspect of my life, including my blogging.

For example, I was supposed to go to the grocery store today. Actually, I've been needing to go for the past week and a half, but I just can't seem to make myself go. I don't want to. So instead, I spent three hours on the internet looking at food (side note, if you don't know about tastespotting you're missing out on life). Grocery shopping requires putting on real pants, a practice I'm not too fond of. By the time I was mentally prepared to start pulling myself together, I ended up deciding I didn't have time to go. I'd like to eat, but just, errrgh. Blehh. Maahh....

Last week I was so productive. I quit smoking, I did 8 minute abs every morning, shit I even woke up before 11 am. One day - and this is a big secret, so don't tell any of my friends because they'll think I've been body-snatched - I even went for a run. Yeah, seriously. So what happened? Why am I so up and down with my self-motivation?

"This is the craziest ride EVER!"

My only consolation is that my roommate seems to experience the same symptoms that I do. I can't be the only one, right? I talk about my lack of desire to do anything besides lay on my bed and listen to The Hunger Games on audiobook (I'm too lazy even to read) and she totally seems to get it. But I can't help but wonder if it's just my laziness rubbing off on her. She brought up something the other day that gave me a little bit of insight. She said that because she's a 'big-picture' person, it's hard for her to get things done sometimes because she gets stuck on this "I have to accomplish all of these things all at once because there's so much to do, I need to get IT done." But what is "IT?" What's the big picture of getting things done? And I, like her, have to convince myself to break IT into small, manageable its. Because with the big IT, it gets too overwhelming that when it comes down to doing IT, I don't want to to ANY of IT, so I choose to do nothing.

Deep breaths.  It's time to convince myself to take a shower so I can get ready for work so I can make some money tonight so I can come home and write another blog post so I can keep up my 30 day challenge so I can have some fans so I can legitimize myself and my life....

Wait.

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I'm just going to go take a shower.

I'm a Quitter

... Well, sort of. I've been a quitter for exactly 24 hours.

But here's the good (actually, great) news: I'm the good kind of quitter, because I finally decided to quit smoking!

*****

I read a lot of websites about quitting smoking, and they all agreed that telling people you're quitting helps to make it a reality. I haven't really told anyone yet, but that's because I've started to become so embarrassed by the fact that I smoke in the first place that a lot of the people I see on a daily basis don't even know that I'm a smoker. Even saying those words - "I'm a smoker" - makes me ashamed. But it's time for me to start taking responsibility for myself, and so, I'm a smoker who's working on quitting - shame can be a powerful motivator. So I'm making my quitting, and my addiction in the first place, super public - I'm sharing it with you!

30-Day Blogbuster Challenge

I've been bad. You know it, I definitely know it, it's just a fact that I've been trying to fight for a while now - but I'm coming to terms with it: I haven't posted in forever.

I made excuses - 'I have nothing to write about', that was the first one. Then I up and moved across the country, witnessed a thousand different life changes, and it was 'I have too much to write about' - I didn't know where to start, so I put it off, wondering how I could avoid a 2,000-word update, and I didn't even want this blog to be a bunch of bullshit about my life anyway - I was ashamed that that's how it's been turning out.

I make excuses for myself every single minute of every day. "I haven't started my acting career because <insert excuse here>." "I don't have enough money," "I don't have enough time," "I don't know enough people," "I don't have enough experience" ... When am I going to have enough of anything? I told myself that if I waited to move until I had enough money and resources, I was never going to do it. So, I just did it. I mustered up every last bit of vivacity I could, and I packed my whittled-down belongings and my little dog Toto into my air-conditioningless Saturn and I drove my ass for 20 hours across the mountains and the desert and arrived in the City of Angeles, Los Angeles, California, dripping in sweat and high on Redbull.