the real whitney jane

 or, Almost Not-Really Not-Even-Close-to-Being Famous

I haven't done a damn thing to jumpstart my acting career.

I spend more time sitting around wondering why not - which is otherwise known as making excuses.

- I'm still getting used to LA.

- I don't have any money.

- I don't know who I am.

There's some sort of mental- physical- EMOTIONAL- blockage. Something is preventing me from taking ACTION. After all, what do ACTors do ? They bloody ACT! And here I am, the picture of inaction, the poster child for sitting around on your ass and beating yourself up for not getting anything done until you're wallowing in such a state of self-abuse and self-hatred that it's all you can do to pick yourself off of the floor of your bedroom and leave the house in baggy sweats and big sunglasses to buy yourself a bottle of two-buck Chuck... (See this blog to know what I'm talking about - you won't regret it.) 

What I've come to realize is that this business pushes you to separate yourself from your self.  

 ... ... What?

But that sentence really does say it all. This is a BUSINESS and YOU are the PRODUCT. 

It's something I've realized all along but have never fully understood - and still don't. In fact, I think that the light bulb that's gone on inside me is actually that I've been too focused on that notion. I've been slaving away at creating my "brand" - putting together my website and social media crap - building an  ONLINE PRESENCE.  But for some reason I've been working hard to keep "WHITNEY JANE LOVEALL" separate from Whitney Loveall... me, the person, versus this "object Whitney" that exists in cyberspace... except, she doesn't really exist.

No really, my online presence is getting me nowhere because the ass of my true self hasn't gotten off of the couch and actually DONE anything. 

The older I've gotten (and I mean in the last two years), I've realized just how much of a perfectionist I am. I want certain things to be perfect, pristine... And all of my fickle nitpicking has truly gotten me nowhere. 

Months ago, possibly before I even moved to LA, I read all of my friend Ben Whitehair's blog posts in his brilliantly insightful blog Playbills vs. Playing Bills. I read them and memorized them, and I even remember an article where Ben gives some great advice to the newbie (or any) Los Angelean actor. I did some research and looked it up again, and I'll quote him now:

Just do it, even if it’s only 85% of the way there.

As I sit here today, it seems like his short article in its entirety could have been written for me-- no, because of me. I'm even looking around now all shifty-eyed, embarrassed that a year ago I skimmed over this and arrogantly thought to myself, "I dunno, it's not that bad to make sure everything is perfect, after all, you have a certain reputation you want to put out there..." Or even more embarrassingly, "That's just not me." Pshyeah. Riight, says the girl who's been working on her website for over six months now.

I'm obsessed with my "brand" - with my "image" - with all those things that business school people talk about but that I just pretend to know about. I ask myself a thousand rhetorical questions, knowing full-well that there is no predictable answer:

"Do I do comedy? I think I'm funny... but no one else really does. Plus I'll have to take improv classes."

"Do I do drama? Guess I should learn how to cry on cue."

"Should I have long hair? That will make me look younger."

"Should I have short hair? I look better with short hair..."

"Would they cast me as a high schooler? No I'm too tall."

"Would they cast me as a single rom-com twenty-something? No I look too young."

"Will I get TV roles?"

"Will I get film roles?"

"Maybe I should just do commercials..."

"Am I the cute girl-next door? No I'm not pretty enough."

"Am I the bitch best friend? No I'm not cool enough."

"They want me to fit into a category, yet I have to be different enough to stand out." 

"How do I make my headshots/website/twitter/facebook/business cards/post cards/breakdown services coordinate with this image I want to portray?"

"What IS the image I want to portray??" 

"WHO. AM. I?!?!?!?!"

And it all comes down to that.

"Selling" myself as actor-product Whitney Jane Loveall is the same thing as selling the real Whitney Loveall... because after all, in this business we're not really getting cast in roles to act, we're getting cast in roles that most closely resemble our own personalities.  There's too much of an essence about a person to be able to hide it from the camera. On stage, it's easier to become someone you're not. On film, your acting has to be too truthful to fudge it - the camera is a lie detector that can see right through you. And even if that's not the case, an audition doesn't really give you the time to stray too far from your true self. At least, that's my perception right now. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that maybe my true insecurity is that I'm not a good actor... And that I fear people disagreeing with me, or worse - DISLIKING me.

But regardless, the point of this blog post is two things: one, to get these feelings (cough*insecurities* cough) out in the open. And two, to make a declaration that the separation between church and state Whitney Jane Loveall and good ole Whitney Loveall is no more... I'm blurring the lines. At least a little more. No more "actor" Whitney and "waitress" Whitney - I'm just Whitney. So what if I say fuck and have pictures of college binge drinking on my facebook? That's who I AM. And maybe I'm still figuring out a LOT about myself otherwise, but the things that already are, I'm through trying to change. I can do dramedy! I can be a bitchy girl next door! I can have headshots with long AND short hair because I have extensions like everyone else in LA does, bitchezzz!! And I can own this here blog, (k)no(w) subject, and write it as myself and as my stage-self. Maybe people will (*gasp*) DISAGREE with this route. But if everyone knew how to do it, wouldn't they all be super successful? Besides, I shouldn't have anything to hide-- It's not like I'm famous... yet...

Think Different

You've probably seen this video. I'm pretty sure I had. But what I didn't realize is that it was actually inspired by a famous quote that I'm almost positive you've heard before:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

This is often quoted as having been said by Nelson Mandela - that's where I first heard it, in college - but actually, Mandela never even used this in any of his speeches. I was stunned to find out that it was actually Marianne Williamson who wrote these famous words, and in the cosmic way I believe the world works, Marianne Williamson is the one who wrote the inspiration that I put up on my vision board, and talked about in this post. I plan on asking the universe for one of her books for Christmas or something. I'll let you know how it goes, and in the meantime, don't let yourself get in the way of being the best version of you!

Rollercoaster of Life

I've been terrible and have skipped a couple of days in my 30 Day Blogbuster Challenge. I'll admit that it's partially because my parents have been the only people reading my posts, and I didn't even know they read them. It's hard to keep going when there's not a lot of motivation.

But mostly, it's because I've "run out of things to say." This is in quotes because, obviously, it's not true. I could talk for hours about what goes on inside of my constantly-ansty mind, but it wouldn't really make for interesting (or intelligible) content.

I've figured out that when I get this way, it tends to be the result of a depressive phase in my life. I use the term 'depressive' to describe a downswing in my mood, not an actual depression, although that's really what it is - a mild bout of depression. Sometimes it lasts a long time, other times, it's just a day or two or three... But it causes me to be lazy in every aspect of my life, including my blogging.

For example, I was supposed to go to the grocery store today. Actually, I've been needing to go for the past week and a half, but I just can't seem to make myself go. I don't want to. So instead, I spent three hours on the internet looking at food (side note, if you don't know about tastespotting you're missing out on life). Grocery shopping requires putting on real pants, a practice I'm not too fond of. By the time I was mentally prepared to start pulling myself together, I ended up deciding I didn't have time to go. I'd like to eat, but just, errrgh. Blehh. Maahh....

Last week I was so productive. I quit smoking, I did 8 minute abs every morning, shit I even woke up before 11 am. One day - and this is a big secret, so don't tell any of my friends because they'll think I've been body-snatched - I even went for a run. Yeah, seriously. So what happened? Why am I so up and down with my self-motivation?

"This is the craziest ride EVER!"

My only consolation is that my roommate seems to experience the same symptoms that I do. I can't be the only one, right? I talk about my lack of desire to do anything besides lay on my bed and listen to The Hunger Games on audiobook (I'm too lazy even to read) and she totally seems to get it. But I can't help but wonder if it's just my laziness rubbing off on her. She brought up something the other day that gave me a little bit of insight. She said that because she's a 'big-picture' person, it's hard for her to get things done sometimes because she gets stuck on this "I have to accomplish all of these things all at once because there's so much to do, I need to get IT done." But what is "IT?" What's the big picture of getting things done? And I, like her, have to convince myself to break IT into small, manageable its. Because with the big IT, it gets too overwhelming that when it comes down to doing IT, I don't want to to ANY of IT, so I choose to do nothing.

Deep breaths.  It's time to convince myself to take a shower so I can get ready for work so I can make some money tonight so I can come home and write another blog post so I can keep up my 30 day challenge so I can have some fans so I can legitimize myself and my life....

Wait.

...

       .....

                   ....... ... .. .....


I'm just going to go take a shower.

Growth

I recently splurged and bought myself a giant canvas painting of a tree.

I had my eye on it for a while, and I decided that it was time to reward myself for starting to take the necessary steps toward self-motivation. Maybe this seems a bit backward, and I really should have waited until I actually accomplished something before I rewarded myself, but I'm telling myself that having this picture in my room will actually help to motivate me.

I was really undecided after I actually went and made the purchase - it was fairly expensive, and even though I loved it I wasn't sure it was going to actually 'go' in my room. But now that it's hanging above my head at night, I feel so wonderful about its presence that I know I made the right decision.

After staring at my tree for what had to have been an hour, I realized that it's a silver leaf maple. This hits close to home - literally. There is a giant silver leaf in the front yard of my parents' house, the house I grew up in. I used to spend hours, days, really, sitting outside in that tree, doing everything from spying on neighbors, to playing a child of the wilderness with my friends, to kissing boys - I loved that tree, and even though I had to help my mom rake the hundreds of thousands of leaves that accumulated every fall, they made the best piles to jump in. If I needed to escape the world and be alone, I always had my tree to sit in.

Trees are amazing motifs. They symbolize life, and the ever-conflicting concepts of staying connected to the earth, rooted in the ground, and branching out, standing tall, reaching for the sky. But perhaps the idea that I connect with most is that of growth. I've always believed that my quest in life as a human on this earth is to learn as much as I can - to grow, and keep growing, no matter how much time goes by or how old I get. I feel as though it is something that many people forget about. They hit a certain point and they plateau, as though  there is nowhere else to go. But one can always keep growing, in all areas of his or her life. And I love that this tree will serve as a constant reminder to me that there will always be more knowledge to reach for - knowledge of the world, knowledge of craft, knowledge of others, knowledge of self. I'm thankful that this silly painting has found its way into my life.