It's just that not much has been going on lately. I go to work. I come home and go to bed. I wake up the next day to do it again. I understand why people get so totally bored by their lives. This cannot be what it's about. Right?
The truth is, I haven't been my usual cheery sarcastic self lately. And it's not because of work, because I know that my job is my job and not my life. I suppose it's because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Boo hoo, right? Everyone says that - my mom still does, and she's 57 years old. But I guess I use that phrase so loosely. I do know what I'm doing with my life. Right now, I'm living with my parents trying to save up money to move somewhere else so I can hopefully pursue an acting career.
I think I dislike adulthood because there's no solid goal to work towards. "HAPPINESS." That's my goal. But what the eff does that mean? It's not, "a paper on global warming," or, "get a 4.0," or even "graduate from college." Nothing is definitive, and boy do I like definitive. I like to have goals to work toward, not overall LIFE ones, but just smaller ones. So you think I'd be happy knowing that I'm working toward moving out. Not a big philosophical life goal, but a practical, next-step goal. So why do I feel so restless?
We often let fear rule our lives. Afraid of stepping outside of our comfort zones, afraid of failure, and loss, afraid of pushing boundaries, afraid of being misunderstood. I'm not very political (but I DID vote on Monday, which I hope you all did), but I think that the current mindset that our country is in has influenced our willingness to take risks. oooooh, the economy's bad... more and more college grads are moving in with their parents .... emerging adulthood (read this article from the New York Times if you're interested in the new life stage that psychologists have come up with to describe 20-somethings who are lazy and afraid)...
For every generation, our parents want us to do what they didn't get to do, to have what they didn't have, to live like they never could... And I think our parents, with all their fears about the state of the world and especially the economy, want us to play it safe. Unlike their parents, who encouraged them to go out in the world and perhaps even fail, our parents don't want to give us that option. Which, obviously, I appreciate. But I can't help thinking, let me go out into the world and fail! Let me try at least! Sure, I have $23,123 in student loans- but if you didn't keep telling me to be careful, and to spend wisely, and about how much you're afraid for me to start paying that back, then maybe I wouldn't be so afraid in the first place. It's just a student loan. Everyone has loans and financial obligations... Nothing makes me any different. But that American dream mentality seems to be disintegrating. It's no longer "be what you want to be," it's "be something you can make money at."
It's like the song in Cabaret: "Money makes de vorld go avround..."
And since I can't do anything without a little shameless self-promotion, here's another picture - this one has me in it (surprise! both these photos are from the production of Cabaret that I was in earlier this year):
It's clear that I'm into the money. But the diference is, I'm playing a character who is into money. A prostitute, actually.
Maybe the whole making money thing is a part of growing up or something. But as you should know by now, I think growing up is crap.
So I guess my soapbox for today is actually a box of crayons. Draw yourself a new future. One that includes taking a risk to do what you love and want to do. Listen to your Kindergarten-self subconscious - it's in there somewhere, telling you that you can do anything you can set your mind to. Don't let the economic crisis keep you from leaving the house! Maybe that's a naive-ass way to look at the world. But I think that mind can beat matter in some cases, and if you're not even willing to try, then all that negative thinking will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and you won't succeed. Like Diana Ross said in 'The Wiz,' "Believe in yourself, right from the start. You'll have brains, you'll have a heart. You'll have courage to last your whole life through..."
Okay. That last statement got me into a four-hour long project that started out with me wanting to post the song on here for you to hear. But turns out, Blogger is mildly retarded and you have to go through all this b.s. to get a song put on your blog. So instead, I ended up doing the easy thing (that was sarcasm) and making a Youtube video showcasing the song. The good news is, it's my first ever Youtube video, so that's pretty fetch.
So without any further ado, here it is!
And in case you missed the other shameless self-promotion link in there, here it is again, a link to another one of my posts in which I explain my affinity for The Wizard of Oz : http://knowsubject.blogspot.com/2010/11/wonderful-whitney-in-oz.html
I know most of the time I'm pretty snarky, but really. If I can pass on anything remotely useful in this whole blog endeavor, it's that I oftentimes forget to believe in myself, and I constantly need a reminder. So here's your reminder. Go out into the world and change it! We both know you can !!
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